an excuse.. dads who take the kids fishing, are generally approved
of by wives that would just as soon have some space for awhile... I
would know what my kid's related interest were, and encourage those
interests....
why be a soccer mom? when you can be a girlscout mom, or a garden
club mom, or a personal defense course mom?
another aspect I have experienced and learned the hard way, is how we
tend to seek reassurance in relationships.... in my own case I was a
very loving husband, to a wife that literally didnt give a shit about
me, and who played a marginal wife role for her own convienance....
Basically relationships are seldom how we are and how we want or need
them to be.... that other person generally comes with a problem set,
and one needs to realize the relationship is also how they are, which
isnt always good..
I suggest dropping the give a shit factor to the reality level, quit
seeking reassurance, or someone who's into the same things you are...
Just accept you've been paired with a marginal card player, and dont
expect much, you wont be dissappointed..... caring too much is
generally a point of failure for people with good hearts, and Duds for
mates... quit wasting your time expecting them to get better, just
start working on having your own life under the same roof.....
I've found learning how not to give a shit is really good for my
relationships... I dont hold back, I spit it out matter of fact, and
if they dont like it and get angry, I dont feel hurt anymore... let
them process, I'll do something else I like better while they are at
it, and if they are rude, then its like the Zen saying "one hand
clapping" i.e. if I dont allow myself to get dragged into their
emotional cess pool routine, and keep a tranquil mind by hanging out
in give a shit land, I do better & they lose their power over me to
do emotional blackmail etc.... I piss people off regularly as
readers of this blog can surely imagine....
but I get my space.....
what I think we dont realize is Nash's equilibrium is at work in
relationships too... people are sooooo self centered, that they are
constantly trashing each other getting for themselves...
an emotional lender, nor emotional borrower be....
just accept that people are screwed up, do your best, but dont expect
them too also, aint gonna happen.....
just decide what you want or need to do and do it....
also there is this; things are getting worse, total denial heads
are squinting in the light of day and rubbing their eyes.... if your
partner isnt awake now, that doesnt mean they never will be, nor
should you wait for them to come round.... get your trip together...
remember in any crisis, its the best prepared person who becomes
automatic leader.....
another thing that can be worked to the closet survivalist's sake is
using one need as an excuse to fill another agenda.. if I had a
ragwife again, if I wanted a good tarp, I'd paint the living room...
huh? yeah, and buy a good tarp instead of a disposable one, and say
We could use it for other things and besides, I got it on sale dear!
meanwhile a few paint spots and sploches wont hut its rain shedding
qualities.....
If people wont listen, why waste your breath telling them why? just
do it and act stupid... they will never suspect its an act, because
they are invariably sure they know better than you....
another topic might be vehicles, having a good escape vehicle is a
good Idea... if I was in the US, I'd likely build a micro van, like
the little Suzuki, and put 4wd under it.... fun project, then I'd
design my survival bug out kit where all my stuff fit in it compactly
and organized, and I'd have jerry
cans for fuel and water strapped on, an electric winch on front, and
a roof rack and a solar panel on top and a kayak on the rack...
inside I'd weld up and install a midget woodstove, and a way to make
a bed... I'd also have a nice tarp awning that went on the big door
side, a folding chair, hammock, and a roof vent... also a lighting
system w/spare battery. and I'd build my comm gear into it, have a
laptop, gunsafe, and a micro kitchen set... racks for the fishing
pole, bow etc, home sweet home w/curtains and sound system too....
then if I was variably fortunate enough to have a wifey unit, I'd
never sleep on the couch.. If she was pissy, going fishing,
smootch! Bye... much more effective than the couch....
anyway, make your survival agenda, your hobby agenda, and if you live
with a jerk, ignore them and just dont fill them in on the agenda..
just change your own habits over time, aquire your goodies one every
payday, and skew your online surfing towards learning and buying what
you need...
people only change when things change....
seldom will you find a proactive couch potatoe...
its like my worker, he has one of the prettiest wives imaginable,
and she's started putting on some weight.... latins love greasy food
just like most people, and after she told me he'd ragged her about
her weight, I took him aside, and told him just buy less oil, and
smaller bottles... You change, and she has to.....
changing others seldom works, changing yourself is the road to
eventual success...
If they are along for the ride, ignore the back seat driving.. go
where you want to go, the wheel is in your hands...
I once had a woman who was into self improvement... she read all the
yuppie & bliss ninny books.... I thought I was fine at the time....
I liked me.. pretty good guy, had a job, friends, etc.
And tried to be good to her very regularly... she was a vast
improvement over my first wife.. Prettier, very, more intelligent
easier to get along with, and we had a fairly decent sex life... my
only complaints really were the woman was feminist, and also would go
totally fruit loops the day or two before her period, get insulting,
throw things, occasionaly try violence... then a few days later she
would be "better" come back and apologize, and thank me for being calm
etc. this got old over time..... if it was now, I'd plumb her cycle
into my reminders agenda, so I'd be ready, instead of surprised, and
could be convienantly else where or at least expecting Ms. Hyde to
grow hair and fangs... too late now.... she came from a good
family, all of whom I liked and respected, her father was retired, had
been the head bureauocrat of agriculture of the county that includes
San Francisco, good guy, great mind, good personal ethics, etc. mom
was nice, very social, fun to be with.... anyway this woman decided
she needed counciling.... fine... and got a recomendation from a
lesbian girl friend for a councilor... I was dragged along, and at
the first meeting, was wondering how it was going to be, curious,
having few chances to observe councilors in my life... we go to
meeting... councilor was Ms. butch Dyke.... and not 5 minutes after
the door closed was in my shit and stayed there... I hadnt done
anything ever to deserve the routine... after the hour was up, we
went home... Enroute I told her I wasnt going back, and I wanted her
to find a better councilor or else... which she did... next
councilor, I went too, and was pleasantly surprised, a very nice
lady, Jewish or greek, not sure, had personal class, very pretty, and
immediately after "my" woman started complaining about me, the lady
told her;
"I thought it was you that wanted counciling dear, maybe you should
focus more on you, Gris seems to be a very laid back and self sure
person, this is about you, not him...but I'm sure he isnt alway so
mellow as he appears." I was shocked and sat there wondering what
she meant by the comment, as I was pretty consistantly calm... no, I
dont come unglued, complain alot, or get overly self centered.... she
even suggested that the woman stat coming without me... gee this gets
better all the time! and so she got counciling, I stayed home where
I'm happiest.. things went along normally, i.e. The real problem in
the relationship didnt get any (cont.)
--
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